ok.
This is the end of the whole thing as far as i'm concerned.

>> I really don't think your counsellor is helping.

*moral high ground*
Based on what exactly? based on things i've said? based on my opinion of whether it's helping or not?

i think, i KNOW that the only person who can make a statement like that is me. yes things have been difficult, yes i have made some choices this past year which have lead down some pretty scary roads, but maybe you should ask me how i feel about the whole thing. just a suggestion, i'm not telling you how to live your life.
*/moral high ground*

>> I think you need to see a FULLY QUALIFIED PSYCHOLOGIST.

i don't need to see a psychologist. i don't need to be analysed, to have my problems given a name. i just need to sit with things, think about them, be given space to vent them. that's how i've ben dealing with things while i've been over here, and despite some setbacks i find it works for me. each to their own.

>> and it is going to be pretty strange when it goes away. And no one can tell you what to fill that particular gap; that's for you to figure out.

it is strange, you're right, and i'm still feeling around in the dark for what fills the gap.

See, this is how i know it helps: because i sat, and i thought, and i vented, and i thought some more, and i tried some new things with my life. during this process pieces slid into place, some got jarred and twisted and had to be pulled out and tried somewhere else, but something happened. a single thought, born from the hellish experiences, took shape, then grabbed some words to wrap itself in. that's what last week was about, well partly. the realisation that life is messy, that things don't come together like a story, that you're sometimes redundant, that the universe isn't imposing meaning and that you need to find it yourself. it's *so* important to me, as i've said. i kept expecting things to get better on their own, that moving here would magically make my life better, that writing would magically make my life better, that finding a girlfriend would make life better, that having a social life would make it better. when none of those things happened, it was a huge blow, one which i've only started to come to terms with.

i've found that i can't hurry realisations like that, the focus-pulling thoughts, they just happen in their own time, but that understanding helps me to deal with the smaller stuff. when i spoke to michelle about it, she got it, and given the time we've spent together and the trust we've built up, she believed me and knew how important this shift was.

i know that nobody is going to believe me, but i can deal with the depression part much, much easier now. i'm no longer beating myself up over things. i know, because i figured it out how to cope with things, or to at least know that i'll be alright if i cant. there's still things that suck, and still things which are difficult, but i can look at them with a fresh perspective now.
(sounding suspiciously like your experiences noodle)

and i can kind of start feeling around inside my head to find what does make me happy, to begin imposing meaning on all this for myself, and to let those old, dangerous, expectations go. it's still hard, but it's nowhere near as hard as it has been. trust me on this.

>> but I don't think they can take you where you need to go.

that's right. i can though.

i'm sorry you needed to go see someone noodle, but i'm glad it helped you.

that is all.