Growing up, says Palahniuk, is not just about taking responsibility; it is finally attaining the things we think will save us, "and realising they won't".
from here

mr palahniuk is a genius! if you haven't read that article, then you should do so.

um.

and for what it's worth, i'm sorry.

noodle pointed something out, that hadn't occurred to me, so i'll paraphrase and hope she won't mind........if you're happy, then it's not coming across on the blog.

and i am. for the first time in my life, or at least in my adult life, i'm not in a self-destructive, self-pitying place. i *genuinely* think i've got a huge part of it figured out. i found the little space in my head that needed to change to stop feeling so f**king miserable all the time.

i'm happy, or at least comfortable with where i am and where i'm going.

i'm genuinely sorry that it didn't come through in my words here. That's a failing on my part, in my ability to communicate. i guess it's a case of saying accurately what's in your head, instead of saying what was actually needed.

i appreciate everything that's been said here and, again, i apologise for being an asshole.

um.

that's it. back to normal transmission....

so.

currently reading : Notable American Women by Ben Marcus. (he also wrote "the age of wire and string", which i vaguely think you've mentioned to me noodle) it's wonderful. the kind of strange surreal, stream of consciousness that happens rarely, but focused and tipped into a bizarre coherent story. also The victorian country child by Pamela horn. it's research though, for this.

currently listening to : Beauty Sleep by Tanya Donnely. slow and beautiful. the only kind of music to listen to as a hideous game development project scrapes past the finishing line.

currently eating: fish and chips. yum.

currently trying to deal with oscillating feelings of attraction towards: sue, the tiny happy girl from the coffee shop who came over to my house and spent the evening drawing and bashing out bizarre little stories on a typewriter.