Oh come on, so you had a near-bum experience with some poor woman's Frau-arsche. Was it hairy? Did it SMELL FUNNY? And did its owner glare at you for objectifying her, just like the media programmed you to? Dr Katz episode flashback: "What if the Manatee was a guest on the Riki Lake Show? 'Riki I can't get laid.' 'I wanna talk to the sea-pig' 'That's sea-cow.' 'Whatever. You're fat, you gotta get Weight-Watchers' 'I have a layer of blubber to keep me warm in the water!' 'Whatever, talk to my hand.'
You're right, being surprised by a flaccid bottom isn't much fun. Being surprised by an erect bottom, on the other hand, is delightful, wouldn't you say? (You have erect bottoms on the other hand? You need to get a new manicurist.)