hey, mr sigerson.

while i kind of agree with fuzz, about some of it at least, i want to add my own thoughts.

for the past 2 weeks i've been lost in a hazey hell of girl badness.

and what have i learned?

sometimes life is trying to teach you something, maybe, or at least that's how it feels.

supposing, and this is all hypothetical, that you really liked a girl, and had done for years. one day, she turns to you and tells you that shed been seeing someone else. crushing, but unfortunately inevitable. now, on top of that, supposing that exactly ONE week before you had a revelation about your feelings for her. while sitting on a train, going to see michelle (my counsellor) a little voice sprung unbidden into your head and said: "even if she wanted you, even if now she came up to you and told you that she held all of these feelings. you'd say no. because you know it wouldn't work, even with all of the longing & desire & garbage in your head. you'd say no to her. deep down you know."

it's a revelation, one of those things that sparks and spreads out through your brain, changing everything in its wake. and the voice in your head looks at the timing. if the relationship had been revealed, even a week before, you'd have gone mad. it would have spun out of control, taking the friendship with it.

sometimes, it just looks like the world is trying to tell you something.

so....

then on saturday, you're trying to deal with the whole thing. there's a sense of loss, of mourning a relationship that is now cemented out of reach, and it will take time to find where it all fits in your head. the phone rings. on the other end is a girl who's already told you she has a crush on you. she tells you that she still feels the same, that being with you makes her feel really happy, and that she needs the space to clear you out of her head.

you tell her you understand. it's a situation that is close, very close, to home.

again, it's the timing.

and i'm not sure if there's a point here, or something.

but sometimes it's not about anything, sometimes you can't make stuff happen, sometimes you just have to go along with it, because the world, or god, or karma, or something is trying to show you something.

maybe.

or at least that's how it feels.

in more concrete terms:

all of the advice in the world is bullshit pol. none of it works! it's like trying to sum up someones life in a single word. it can't be done because lives and relationships and the complex interactions between everything can't be summed up in single, easy to remember, easy to digest nuggets of information. life is too messy for that, and if you try to force it to be clean and fit some mould that has worked for someone else then you are doomed to failure from the start.

for what it's worth, it's been years for me too. and i thought i'd found someone, but hadn't. about the only thing you can do is keep living your life, hoping that you'll meet someone at some point.

i can't make any promises, i don't know if i'll ever meet anyone, or if you will. despite what everyone currently in a relationship tells us.

and i know it's difficult, because they all seem happier being with someone.


i don't know. this has all been pretty stream of consciousness, and probably hasn't made much sense. i don't have any answers, my life is as fucked up as anyones. the only thing that i kind of hold onto in times like this is something from the bloke who wrote "raging bull": he was talking about his kids, and how when you have kids you look at them and hope that they make it. at the same time, you know. you know that some people don't make it, no matter what you do, or how hard you try, sometimes people don't make it. but sometimes people do.

not very positive, but it helps me...and might help you.

good luck man.

harry.