hey everyone.

it's friday & in a polar opposite to feistys thing about the america stuff (which i feel terrible about, but unfortunately i still need to decide what to have for dinner) here's a little personal rant, just because i'm sick of bottling this stuff up & sick of trying to explain it to people & sick of wanting to talk about it, but not & sick of how it'll affect people.

don't worry there's no awkward little goth poems about misery & lost love & how much it hurts being alive!

so....

Turns out i'm depressed & have been for a really, really long time & i have no idea how to do anything else, or how to relate to the world in any other way. Which in itself, i guess is kind of weird....what do other people do? all i wanna do when i'm talking to people is tell them how much i hate myself & how i sometimes lie in my bed & want to die. i'm thinking that is probably not wise, for people i've just met & for people i know. It's like having everything just kind of spilling over into the real world & wanting to explore it & deal with it every second of every day, in case there's some insight that'll drag you a little further back from the brink. but still i hold it & i suppose for most of the time i'm acting & behaving like a normal human being. one who doesn't look like he hates himself & wants to die. This in itself is a good thing...although it's small and easily lost.

The flip side of it all is that little tiny things that people take for granted become these monumental achievements......like going out for lunch with people & not having an anxiety attack, like managing to go out to a party, like managing to go for coffee. it's kind of strange how important these things become, but imprtant they are, if only because they allow some semblance of life.

And like a fool, & not for the first time, it all gets mixed up with this one person who's been a really important part in your life & somehow their attention takes on this far more importance than it really should......stupid, stupid, stupid. but it can't really be helped.......it's really easy to fall for someone who makes you feel good about yourself.

so what do i do???????

i go to see a counsellor,

i get really depressed,

i sometimes think about killing myself,

i somehow manage to make it through the day,

i present the face of the person my friends think that i am.

i hold it together for the most part.


so there......badly written, self indulgent, feeling sorry for myself, mostly bullshit stuff.

but now you know.

the one thing that has struck me recently is that there are loads of depressed people....loads of people angry at their lives, loads of people depressed about who they are & where they're going & why they are the way they are.

Some of these people make it.
Some of these people dont.

all you can really do with all of it is hope that you are one of those people who does.