Monday, October 11, 2004


A UN committee has released a report announcing that Australians are officially ‘dickheads’ for re-electing the Coalition government. “We were prepared to concede that previous election was a lapse of judgement, perhaps even an outright mistake,” said a spokesperson for the UN, “which is why Australian citizens simply earned a ‘Loser’ rating. This time we’ve ruled out human error – Australians are clearly dickheads”.
The damning 56-page report tables the impressive dickhead-esque behaviour of Australians of voting age, citing letters to newspapers and pub conversations as evidence to support the dickhead charge.
Prime Minister John Howard said he was humbled by the UN report, claiming that his government would be representing all dickheads. “This is a big win for Australia and a big win for dickheads,” declared the prime minister, who in the lead up to the election had promised billions of dollars to support dickheads from a wide range of backgrounds. Dickheads with fast money, dickheads with chainsaws, dickheads with health insurance, racist dickheads, dickheads in private schools, and good old ordinary Australian dickheads will be among those benefiting from the government’s largesse.
Critics of the report have demanded that those Australians who abstained from voting, or who cast their vote in favour of the opposition, should be reclassified as ‘Provisional Dickheads’. But in the face of limited public disapproval, the official UN position has remained steadfast: “Let’s call a spade a spade, and a dickhead a dickhead”.


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